I go on about Dr. Gary Chapman’s five love languages quite a bit, especially in topics that involve love and acceptance, and I’ve found them to be revelationary whenever I bring them up on dates or even when bonding with co-workers. The love languages describe the way we feel loved and appreciated. Depending on our individual personality types, we may feel loved differently than how our partners do, so understanding and decoding the love languages will help take the guesswork out of your partner’s expectations and needs.
The love languages aren’t only applicable to romantic relationships, mind you. In my practice and psycho-spiritual journey, I see that at times we all beat ourselves up with cruel self-talk, set ourselves up for failure with unrealistic expectations, deprive ourselves of things we deserve through self-sabotaging behaviors, and abuse our bodies through neglect or harmful choices. These behaviors wreak havoc on our mental and physical health, our relationships, and our careers, and learning how to fill up out love tank first, sharing our overflow with those who need it.
Words of Affirmation
This love language expresses love with words that build up a person. Verbal compliments don’t have to be complicated – the shortest and simplest words of affirmation can be the most effective.
For your significant other:
Send them a card in the mail telling them how much you appreciate them
Leave them sticky notes around the house complimenting them
Share something nice they did on Facebook or Instagram
For children:
Hang their art on the fridge and tell them how much you love it
Give them a bracelet that says “I love you”
Write them a nice note and pack it with their lunch
For yourself:
Write down what you like about yourself
Read through your favourite quotes
Repeat self love affirmations to yourself in the mirror
Acts of Service
The motto for this love language is: Actions speak louder than words. This love language expresses itself by doing things that you know you or your partner would like. Cooking a meal, doing the laundry, and volunteering to do the groceries are all acts of service. They require some thought, time, and effort.
For your significant other:
Give them an hour of uninterrupted TV time
Make them breakfast in bed
Take the dog out for a walk
For children:
Make their bed for them when they forget
Let them choose the movie the family watches
Cook them their favourite meal
For yourself:
Start using a laundry service that picks up and delivers
Order takeout so you don’t have to worry about cooking
Invest in a robotic vacuum
Receiving Gifts
No, this love language isn’t necessarily materialistic. It just means that a meaningful or thoughtful gift makes them feel appreciated and loved. This is very different than Acts of Service – those are purely helpful and taking work off of your partner’s plate.
For your significant other:
Bring them their favourite flowers, just because
Create a Spotify playlist for them, explain why you chose each song
Sign them up for a class they’ve been wanting to try
For children:
Let them pick out one new toy as the store
Buy them a new outfit and lay it out on their bed
Get them their favourite treat at the grocery store
For yourself:
Buy yourself your favourite dessert
Make DIY decor for your home
Have an extra glass of wine
Quality Time
This love language is all about undivided attention. No televisions, no smartphones, or any other distractions. They think talk is cheap and the type of action they want is to be your main focus.
For your significant other:
Plan a romantic picnic – without phones
Schedule a weekly date night
Buy tickets for a movie or play they’ve been wanting to see
For children:
Bake cookies together
Play board or video games with them
Take a road trip or overnight trip together
For yourself:
Take a bath with a fizzy bath bomb or petals
Read a book in bed
Attend a yoga or meditation class
Physical Touch
To this love language, nothing is more impactful than the physical touch of their partner. They aren’t necessarily into over-the-top PDA, but they do feel more connected and safe in a relationship by holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc.
For your significant other:
Schedule cuddle or snuggle time as a date
Take them out for a night of salsa dancing
Give them a massage before they ask for one
For children:
Let them sit on your lap while you read to them
Style their hair for them or help them get dressed
Give them a surprise piggyback ride around the house
For yourself:
Schedule a manicure or pedicure for yourself
Sleep with a weighted blanket
Snuggle with pets at home (or your local shelter!)